I’ve been reading and listening a bunch of things, and question is forming in my mind: Am I using my marriage to make me more of who I am, or as an excuse to be less of who I want to be?

A Hindrance

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you.  For the first *long time* of my marriage, I was using it as a reason to keep myself small.  I didn’t want to rock the boat.  I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.  But underneath all of that, I was afraid. So I’d say things to myself like, “well, my husband probably wouldn’t like it if…” or “if I did that, I’d probably neglect my family, so…”

I was using my marriage as a way to say no to myself.  Because saying no felt safer than saying yes, and my marriage/family was often the excuse for not going for it. Sound familiar?

A Help

Slowly, over time, my marriage and family started becoming the reason I chose to say YES to living bigger.  

When I’m fulfilled, I’m a better wife. When I feel like I’m able to make contributions to the world outside of my own four walls (side note: don’t ever discount the contribution you are also making WITHIN those walls), I feel more balanced and patient with my children.

Because of this shift, I am now choosing to say yes to things that help me grow, develop, and expand.  Because that’s a benefit to my family.

An Example

Several years ago,  a friend asked me to teach her son to play the piano.  I was tempted to tell her no, but thankfully, I decided to say yes.

Was I a little unsure about knowing what to do?  Totally. (She was aware that her son would be my first student.) 

Did I worry at first that I would neglect my family? Yeah, a little.  But I decided to be brave and try it out.  Even though I didn’t think I knew what I was doing, and even though it meant taking a little time away from my family.

I eventually took on a few more students, and added harp lessons to my offerings.  

This has been a benefit to me–I’m fulfilled, learning, growing.  And I LOVE teaching.

It benefits my students. They get the experience of learning to play the piano/harp, with everything that comes along with it.

It benefits my kids.  They are learning about loving boundaries, respecting other people, and I have a little extra spending money (that I usually spend on things for them).  

And without starting there–arguably a fairly small thing to say yes to–I probably would have never had the courage to take the steps to get where I am today–writing this email to you, and helping others in the way I do now–arguably a much bigger undertaking.  With much bigger results too;  I am far more patient with them, far more true to myself.  My life is so much better in every way. 

All because I had the courage to say yes to what, deep down, I knew I wanted. 

The Moral of the Story

The next time you get a ‘soul nudge’ to do something bigger, instead of using your marriage or family as a reason not to, I am asking you to check in with yourself.  Really ask, is this an excuse because I’m afraid?  Why do I want to do it?  How will this benefit the people I love?

Sometimes, it will feel right to say no to the nudge.  Sometimes you’ll decide “not yet.”  

There’s a time and place for saying yes to our soul desires, and sometimes the timing won’t be right. Yet.  Checking in with yourself helps you get clear on what you really want.

Either way, your family can be a huge help and support for you.  Don’t let yourself use them as an excuse to stay small.  Because when you do, you just might be keeping their lives smaller, too. 

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Do you want a mediocre marriage? Maybe “so-so” is plenty good.  Life is hard, and marriage is hard, and there’s only so many  challenging things you’re willing to do.  I get it.  Sometimes, average is good enough.If this is you, I have some pointers for you.

10 Ways To Have a Mediocre Marriage

1. Spend most of your free time shopping online, scrolling, and cleaning the house.

2. Be sure to judge and try to change your spouse at least once a day.

3. Argue about things, but keep the real reason you’re upset to yourself.

4. Seek validation from your spouse as much as possible.  It’s your spouse’s job to make you feel good about yourself.

5. Don’t stand up for yourself.  Ever.

6. Remember, it’s your spouse’s job to read your mind.

7. Keep most of your opinions to yourself.  (Except your opinions ABOUT your spouse…you can share those freely.)

8. Date nights are optional.  They’re expensive (hello, inflation!) and it’s such a hassle to find childcare.  It’s just not worth the trouble.

9. Bring your phone to bed as often as possible. (Last week I posted about this one specifically. Check it out here.)

10. Don’t EVER hire a relationship coach!!  You can figure it all out on your own.

Obviously…

I hope my satire is clear here.But really, how many of these have I done (intentionally or subconsciously)?  More than one, for sure (*cough*allofthem*cough*). We’ve made a lot of marriage mistakes in our 20+ years, despite the fact that we were really trying to do it well.The problem isn’t that we didn’t care.  It’s that we didn’t know any better.Now, we know better.  And we are DOING better.  We don’t do it all perfectly, but if you compared us to even 5 years ago, you’d see a completely different relationship.

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I knew I had pulled away from my husband, and I was really bothered by it.  I could tell I was the reason I didn’t feel close to him, but I didn’t quite know why, or what to do about it.  It was like watching a train wreck; you know what’s about to happen, but you can’t do anything about it.

So, let’s go back a few years.  In the beginning of our marriage we set things up in the “typical” way (think patriarchy) because that’s all we knew.  We thought that to be a “good couple” we were supposed to do things this way.  It’s what was modeled to us.

A Better Way

Well, about 5 years ago or so, our eyes were opened to a better way.  I was looking for help because things were not working.  It was not going well.  I was so unhappy.  But why was I unhappy?  I had a beautiful family, great kids, a husband who cared for us and had a good, stable job.  We owned our house, all the things.  But still I wasn’t really happy and couldn’t figure out why.  I had “no right” to be unhappy, or so I thought.

Well, now I know why I was not satisfied with that life. It was because my personal growth was stifled.  I had a myriad of false beliefs that were keeping me from really developing myself as a person.  Things like, if you ask for things, you’ll cause problems for other people.  Good moms don’t (fill in the blank! There are so many.)  Good wives keep the house clean and dinner on the table when her husband walks in the door every night.  Good wives give their husbands sex because he has needs, and he deserves it because without him, you’d be homeless.  You owe so much to others around you.  I had so many scarcity beliefs about money, too–I remember thinking, “how many hours would he have to work to pay for this shirt I’m thinking about buying? Is it worth that much of his time?” Ugh!!!   But I digress.

So, over time, I began to realize that these beliefs were not what I wanted to continue believing. But what I wanted to believe instead, and actually believing it, was harder to access.

Nothing Has Gone Wrong

In recent weeks, I have recognized that I went from near complete conformity (striving to meet my husband’s expectations as much as humanly possible) to the polar opposite–a kind of rebellion.  Not a rebellion against my husband, per se, but a rebellion against the way I had been living, against my past self.  It’s not that I suddenly stopped cooking and cleaning, taking care of kids and helping with homework, but more that I felt a great resentment toward all of those things and toward my past in general.  I knew I was harboring great anger, but didn’t really know exactly what it was about or how to address it.

A few days ago, I saw myself in this distanced, rebellious place, and suddenly realized that nothing was going wrong.  I had to create that distance in order to develop a stronger sense of self.  It was impossible to do if I were staying too close to my “old life’ of conformity.  I was too crushed, too overshadowed there to be able to have room to grow.  And I have been growing, these past months and years.  I am stronger in who I am, I am more likely to speak up for myself and really know what I want.  I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’m getting there.  

Distance is Necessary For Growth

The key here is that I no longer see the distance I’ve created as a problem.  I see it as a necessary step.  The anger was keeping me from going back to conformity.  It was helping me hold the boundaries I needed.  For as long as I needed.  I’ll be honest, it is not a comfortable place.  I wondered many times if my husband would get tired of it and leave me.  I wondered if I grew too much, would he even want to be with me?  Would we be compatible still?  It was scary to think that the whole life I’ve been spending the past 20 years building could crumble in an instant.  But I tolerated it because the alternative was death.  Not physical death, but emotional death.  Death of the person I am meant to be  He has tolerated it too.  He has grown too.

Beauty From Ashes

In order to build myself new, I had to burn the old self to the ground.  My newfound sense of self still feels a bit delicate–like a flower, easily crushed.  But also beautiful, and unique, growing in a way that will create even more beauty and strength for myself and for those around me.  Now I know why I created distance, and can accept it for what it is; a necessary part of my journey. I can begin to close the gap between myself and my husband, while holding the boundaries that I need in order to stay true to my best self.  I can come back into the marriage anew.  I can come back in as quickly or as slowly as I need to, as I test out my new strength and continue to grow into it. As I continue to become the woman I am truly meant to be   I will come back into relationship with him, but on my terms.  I thank my former self, because without her, I couldn’t be who I am today.

[February 2022]

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It Took A Long Time to Understand.

First, I have to say that I’m not always a good mom.  To be honest, sometimes I’m kind of a crappy mom. I yell.  I say hurtful things.  I think hurtful things.  I neglect important things.  I indulge in selfish ways.  I’d like to say those things are only happening a small minority of the time, but I can’t confidently say that.  I know my own inner world so much better than the person in front of me.  I see every one of my worst moments upi close, and to be told I’m doing well in the face of that feels….icky.  I’m trying to forgive myself, to give myself grace for my bad moments, but that’s definitely a work in progress.  I’m just not completely there yet.  It’s not a one-and-done, either.  There are times when I’m better at giving myself grace, and times when I beat myself up.  I guess we all do that, to some degree.  (I know when I’m not doing well in this area because that’s when I retreat into my favorite escapes.)  I just don’t like to feel obligated to accept a compliment when it feels so untrue.  But what else could I say?

What Exactly Is A “Good Mom” Anyway?

Some women were taught that a “good mom” will give everything, put all of her efforts toward helping others, even to the detriment and sacrifice of herself.  “A good mom doesn’t work outside the home; she will sacrifice her personal ambitions for her kids.”  “A good mom never do  anything for herself, she always puts her kids first.”  “A good mom gives and gives, but never asks for anything in return.”  This is certainly what was modeled to me. Over the years, I’ve seen that this does not a good mother make. At least, it did not ME a good mother make (I have a fabulous mother, for the record).  I was unhappy, unfulfilled, overworked and underpaid.  Which translated as short-tempered, tired, and emotionally unavailable to my children.  

  So on the outside it seems like such a kind thing to say, but on the inside, it sounded like, “You’re so good at neglecting yourself!” or “You’ve done such a good job at sacrificing everything you are for the good of others, while neglecting your own development.”  “You’re so good at getting in line, doing what you’re told, and not standing up for yourself.” Or “wow! You’ve done an amazing job at shutting yourself down.” Now you see why that feels so icky?

I Am More Than “Mom”

The thing is, if that’s the definition of a good mom, I don’t want to be a good mom.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’m done with that.  That kind of mothering has not brought me happiness.  It has not provided the sense of fulfillment that I thought it would.  Raising kids is something I’ve always expected I would do, and always wanted to do.  I love my children. I have not regretted motherhood for a single moment since my first baby was born.  It is such an important work.  But I know there is more to my purpose than ‘just raising children.’  I know that I am here for something more than to be a baby factory, clothes folder, and dishes washer.  My worth does not have anything to do with how my kids “turn out.”  I was put on this earth to be my own person, to fulfill my own purpose, hopes, and dreams, not just to be the wind beneath someone else’s wings.  I wish I had understood this at a deeper level when I was 20.  I wish I had understood that having a purpose and caring for a family wasn’t ‘either/or,’ but more like ‘and/when.’  I would probably feel more prepared for this stage of life.  I could have spent some of that time figuring out what I want to do, and how I would do it.  (Although, maybe that’s not the way it works.  I couldn’t really say; I’ve never lived anyone else’s life.)  It took me a long time to decide what my purpose is.  For years I could feel it was close, just under the surface, waiting until the right time to emerge.  Now, I am watching it emerge.  I don’t know exactly what it will evolve into, but I am excited to find out.  I know it will be wonderful and beautiful.

It’s “Excscary!” (Exciting and Scary)

At the same time, I struggle with this a little bit.  It seems like it would be a lot easier, in many ways, to stay back and be the “helper” for others’ success.   I’ve never been one to enjoy being center stage.  I’d rather be the stage crew that only enters the stage when the lights are down, or the one in the little booth in the back that nobody notices is even there. There’s a lot less exposure there.  Hiding in the back is pretty much what I’ve always done.  You can choose the discomfort of being center stage, or the discomfort of letting someone else play the lead role in your own life.  Choose one and stay small.  Or choose the other and claim what is rightfully yours—the power to fully live your life.  And what comes with that is personal growth.  Becoming your best self.  

To The Women Who Came Before Me

For all the women who paved the way, I thank you.  To those who were strong enough and aware enough to figure this out, who were brave enough to go after what they needed in the face of invalidation, I offer you my heartfelt gratitude.  You created the path for those of us who would not have been strong enough to stand up on our own.  And with deepest respect for those who followed the old way,  who gave so much of themselves, who put their hearts and souls into raising the next generation, I say thank you to you, as well. 

What I Think A “Good Mom” Is

I get to decide how I define “a good mom” for myself.  And you get to define what it means to you.  This is such great news!  Because we have full control over our own “good mom” status.  We no longer have to live up to someone else’s standard or expectation.  To me, a good mom is someone who does her best, is not afraid to go for it. is loving and nurturing.  She lives with honesty and integrity.  She takes care of herself when it feels right, gives from the heart, and never apologizes for either. She messes up sometimes, and forgives herself for it.  She also freely forgives others.   She has good days, she has bad days, but in the end, she loves herself.  She never gives up on herself.

So, next time someone tells me I’m “such a good mom,” I will understand that they are saying it from a place of love.  I will wholeheartedly receive that love offering.  Maybe they see the progress I am making, maybe they don’t.  Maybe they see my shortcomings, or maybe not.  I will remind myself that I am probably doing better than I think. I will remind myself that I can be working to better myself AND love and accept myself exactly as I am.  And, ultimately, I am the ONLY person who gets to decide what kind of mom I am.

Written August 2020 Edited June 2022

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Spoon Feeding

As I read the book, I imagined parents desperately trying to spoon-feed a child some yucky purée, trying all kinds of antics to get the baby to “open wide” so they could quickly shovel in the food (just to watch them spit most of it out again).  Because we all know it’s important to finish every last bite.  (Do you read my sarcasm here?)  And the looks of disgust or surprise on the babies’ faces.  Hmm.  Parents have done this since the dawn of time, or at least, since the dawn of my time.  I was taught to do it that way.  It makes such cute videos!  But….I’m starting to see the error of our ways.  

This morning, I had some slightly over ripe bananas on the counter.  They were past the point that any of the other kids would eat them, so I chopped one up and gave it to the baby.  He would eat it, right?  He’s too young to know if a banana has a few brown spots on the outside and must therefore be shunned.  He ate some of it, but didn’t seem too interested.  One of my older kids tried to “trick” him into eating a piece of banana by putting a little applesauce on it and shoving it into his mouth.  It kind of worked. I realized that maybe he just didn’t like it.  Not because it had a little brown on the peel, but because he just wasn’t in the mood for it. Maybe “tricking” him into eating it was the wrong approach.

Babies and Intuition

Suddenly the thought popped into my mind: “what else are we force-feeding our babies?”  For decades, parents have been force feeding their kids lots of yucky things, rather than giving them a variety of options and letting them choose what they like.   Thing is, babies  haven’t been un-taught to listen to their intuition yet.  Babies inherently know what they need; that is, until being ‘force-fed’ teaches it out of them.  “Do as you’re told” and the part about kids being “seen and not heard” have been around for I don’t know how long; at least since the 50’s or 60’s, if “Leave it to Beaver” is at all accurate.  But today’s babies aren’t falling for it.  They aren’t having any of it.  They won’t dutifully swallow every belief system being force-fed to them.  So it’s time we stop trying.  A much healthier approach, a more peaceful approach, is to lay forth a variety of options and allow children to choose to believe what is right for them.  And they will choose it, as long as we haven’t un-taught them to trust themselves, as many of our parents have taught us. (With much love and adoration for our parents; they were doing the best they could.)

It Comes Down To Trust

It can be scary.  What if they choke?  Yes, they may gag or choke on an idea, but they won’t choke to death.  Their bodies have very good reflexes.  And on the rare occasion that it gets beyond what they can handle, mom and dad are right there to help them.  But that doesn’t mean it’s then ok to pull back completely and not let them try anything new anymore.  We have to let them keep trying.  Maybe they weren’t ready for that yet, but they will get there.  Eventually, they will be able to handle all the complex ideas this world has to offer.  But it doesn’t happen overnight.  It takes years.  And practice.  Babies still need their parents to offer ideas so that they can safely get a taste.  

But, How?

But it’s not up to us to scare or threaten or trick or bribe our kids into believing us.  It’s time for parents to let their children pick and choose what ideas are right for them, and which ones to leave on the table.  Because some of it is toxic.  Some things really will make our children choke to death, so to speak.  But not being able to choose for themselves is where the real tragedy lies.  I’m not suggesting we all completely go hands-off and let all the children run wild. Of course parents are needed!!  They are there to guide, influence, to love, support.  And yes, also to teach.  But I can’t think of many times when actually forcing isn’t doing more harm than good.  (Unless we are talking about immediate risk of physical harm….maybe then it’s warranted.  If your child is running into busy traffic, by all means.)

Yep.  Baby-led learning definitely seems like the way to go, in my opinion.  And if your baby isn’t a baby anymore, that’s ok.  It’s never too late to begin baby/child/teen/adult-child -led learning.

[Written Aug. 2020 Edited June 2022]

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